My struggle with mental health after my babies were born stayed silent because I was afraid to ask for help. Honestly, I thought this was just how I was so I needed to live with it.
But the seething postpartum rage was like volatile lava under the surface that had the potential to announce its destruction at any moment. Add in the mind mess of complete inadequacy as a mother and the pressure to “have enough faith in Jesus”, and it was a recipe for disaster.
Mama, I’m sporting a sweatshirt today that says “It’s ok to have Jesus and a Therapist.” (Thank you, Grace Story Ministries!)
For a long time I bought the lie that a good Christian wouldn’t need any counsel outside of God Himself. That any uncertainty, emotional turmoil, or mind mess pointed only to an insufficiency of faith, and meant I needed to pray harder.
That assessment and advice are flawed human constructs and are in opposition to God’s design for us to be in community.
Friend, very often, the Lord actually brings healing through another person He has called and equipped with resources to help: a therapist, a doctor, a friend, a mentor, a pastor, a teacher, a wellness advocate, a coach.
He brings life through us even as He brings life to us. Which means I don’t need to have it all together. Or to pretend like I do. It simply rests as an invitation into connection with Him and with others.
My own journey with my emotions, thoughts, and physical health has actually opened me up to community and to purpose in a way I couldn’t have predicted.
I wonder what will happen for you as you step into vulnerability, and lay hold of the help that’s around you in the people God has placed in your life?
Check this blog post I wrote a few years back:
God brought it back to my remembrance today. And I celebrate what He is birthing now out of that difficult season.
He really does make all things new.
In 2016 I had discovered my life call. God had told me to let JOY loose. But I was having such a difficult time figuring out how. After all, I was in a season of extreme sadness and overwhelm, so it felt kind of impossible. Thankfully, over the years I had discovered (by living it) that literally nothing is impossible for God, so at least I had the wherewithal to try to respond.
This blog was my first step. I knew how to write and I enjoyed it, so it made sense. I just had to learn all the nuts and bolts of blogging and navigating that space. Since I wasn’t working yet, I became an Amazon affiliate, hoping to earn a bit of blogger kick-back for recommending products. Funny though, unless you go hard at that or have thousands of subscribers, that doesn’t seem to be overly lucrative. But that wasn’t the heart behind this blog anyway, so it didn’t really matter.
Instead, I discovered I was certainly not alone in my quest to find JOY. Readers continually connected with me in the comments, through my Facebook group, DMs, and by downloading ebooks or subscribing to my prayer prompts and joy journeys. It was apparent that many, many people were discouraged by joylessness. So my life call was being clarified and confirmed. If I could be even just a small part of their journey back to JOY, I wanted it. I began to think in terms of meaning and legacy in each post and conversation. As God revealed things to my heart that I sensed were for more than just me, I shared them here.
In 2017 I began in a part-time role as a Pastor of Worship. I had served in similar roles before, but the new lens of my life call clarified further how and why I was to minister. It shaped my questions and conversations. It informed my Bible study and my pastoral theology. It reminded me how important it is to be transparent, but to keep my confidence in Christ prominent in my writing and speech. It amplified my awareness of the need people have to be able to lament, but how crucial it is to help them express their faith and lean into the JOY of the Lord as their strength. In fact, my thinking was shaped to understand that sadness actually paves the way for JOY. What great news for me and all of my sad friends!
I’m really thankful that the Lord whispered to me that my overall health was significant to my JOY journey, and not separate from it. For instance, I hadn’t realized before how inter-connected my emotional and mental health are with my physical wellness. I hadn’t known that gut health was pivotal for healthy serotonin levels, or that the products I use on my body or around my home could have a detrimental impact on my hormone levels.
In 2018, God started to lead me to resources about these kinds of things. I started out my joining a gym, and then adjusting my diet to eliminate sugar, wheat and dairy. Drastic, maybe. But my reading about inflammation fueled my desire to know if that was an underlying issue contributing to my symptoms. I was desperate enough by this point that I would try basically anything. I literally knew God was calling me to pursue JOY, and I would obey my life call at all costs.
By the time we moved to a new neighborhood, I realized something was still missing. Though I continued with clean eating, exercise, rest and everything else, I was still not combatting some of the most significant issues: poor mental health, brain fog, and extra weight. I was frustrated, and wanted an answer. I believe the Lord answered my frustration through a conversation over cookies. Our backyard neighbors arrived on our doorstep with a delicious gift on day #1 to welcome us. Very sweet! And in that initial conversation I learned that my new friend was a Young Living distributor. My interest was piqued, because I had heard heard of oils before, and wondered if perhaps they could help me. (Remember, I said I was ready to try anything at this point!) Although I didn’t ask about it immediately, I was curious to start to learn, and began to take notice of her posts on Facebook, and the healthy life she obviously led.
Fast forward a bit, and I decided to bite the bullet and grab a Starter Kit of awesomeness from Young Living. What did I have to lose? At least if it didn’t work, my house would still smell good and I’d have a kicky new diffuser. I didn’t know that I had just taken another step in my life call.
Well, a lot actually. But I’ll paint it in a nutshell. It was like a lot of light switches suddenly went on:
It was literally within that very first month of consistently using my oils that I knew I needed to make forever changes in my wellness routine, so I grabbed the subscription box to discipline myself to ditch toxins from my life and intentionally incorporate plants on the daily. Each month I made a few new changes, and learned new things from people’s stories on our education groups. I was soooo thankful to have friends help me, so it never felt overwhelming. Very naturally, I started to tell people about my successes too, and people were asking because some of them were very noticeable.
Something happened not too far in to my journey where I sensed God was developing my life call. It was kind of outrageous, but I thought He was asking me to start pursuing Young Living as a business. This was cray cray because a) I have never considered owning a business before and b) the one time I tried sales during college, I was fired after only one week. 🙂 But somehow, I sensed this was the next step I needed to take in pursuit of my life call to let JOY loose. The part that wasn’t crazy to me was the correlation between essential oils and JOY. I had already experienced incredible emotional wellness by using oils and oil infused products. If I could share that with others so they could pursue JOY, why wouldn’t I??
God was up to something more in me too. Because it was the first time in my life that I actually felt like choosing to pursue an income that had no ceilings was the right thing for me to do. And I knew it was because He placed a massive dream in my heart that would let JOY loose in people, and I needed significant finances to make it happen. He was showing me a path that would help me spread JOY while still pursuing another avenue to share it. How like God to give me what I needed to pursue HIS call. He is my Provider!
And so here I sit. I’m healthier, I’m happier, my community has grown exponentially. I’m learning what it means to be a business owner and to be grateful for no ceilings. As I’ve learned more about my company and the way they lead in this industry with integrity, and standards like no other, I’m continually grateful! When I see the way they empower women, impact economies, and care for the people in the communities surrounding the farms they own worldwide, I’m amazed.
My team is growing. The culture within it is one of the healthiest I’ve ever worked with, full of prayer, encouragement, gratitude, shared resources, and glory given to the Lord for the transformations we see day after day. Within my team, I’m part of letting JOY loose. As I share about my wellness journey with others and walk alongside them in theirs, I see my life call being let loose. By helping others begin to realize their life call to stay home with their kiddos, help their husband feel freedom to find employment he enjoys, pay off debt or pursue missions work, my own JOY explodes. And as I strategically grow my own income, I can envision the fullness of my life call–that big dream God has birthed in me–poised to explode. I don’t know about you, but that makes life so hopeful!!
I never knew that God would call me to own a business to flesh out my life call of ministry. I didn’t really imagine how that might happen outside the walls of what I already knew. I’m grateful beyond measure for the relief and release I’ve found in my own physical and emotional wellness, so inspired by the stories of others who have opened themselves up to natural wellness, and I LOVE to walk this journey with them!
Have you pursued the Lord yet about His great design for you? Have you started to explore how He might want to help you flesh out YOUR life call? Do you feel like the least likely candidate to be part of a network marketing company that helps people find holistic wellness? I’d really love to chat about that. What if the Lord might want to flesh out your dreams too, and fuel them as part of an incredible community? It’s one of my favorite conversations to have, and I’d love to have it with YOU.
If you’d be willing to share your life dreams with me, I’d be honored. I’d love to pray for you and explore it with you. Maybe we will one day run together!
Today I had the privilege of getting together with my friend, Pastor John Gorveatte from The Center Church in Grand Rapids, to talk about developing the holy habit of celebration–practicing JOY. I loved chatting with him live and hearing the questions come in from people who joined us over their lunch breaks.
If you’ve followed me at all here at Joy Let Loose you know that I talk a lot of practicing JOY. But I loved the perspective that Pastor John brought with his questions, and the opportunity to consider how this particular season of quarantine can impact this holy habit. I also realize how timely it is for us to slow down and allow our perspectives to be opened to the idea of practicing JOY.
I hope you enjoy and share something you take away from it in the comments below!
I mentioned in the interview Brene Brown’s thought that vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging and joy. But I didn’t talk about another aspect she spoke about with which I also resonate: FEAR of joy.
In hindsight, I can see that I had lived a long time afraid of joy. Vulnerability births joy, but joy itself is also very vulnerable. Because what if someone snatches it away? What if it doesn’t last? What if I give in to joy and then realize it it gone or it was never real?
“Just that maybe … maybe you don’t want to change the story, because you don’t know what a different ending holds.”
Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts
What a lie from the enemy to steal, kill, destroy our joy!
Celebration points to the Joy Giver. It calls out realities of God as Provider, Sufficient, GOOD. So why wouldn’t the enemy of our souls want to make us fear it and quench it?
How are you practicing joy during this season? Where do you need to grow in this holy habit? How can I encourage you in those things?
I pray that you would let JOY be your continual feast. Make your life a prayer. And in the midst of everything, be always giving thanks for this is God’s perfect plan for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thess. 5:16-18 TPT)
I didn’t even know my joy was trapped. Because I kept trying to muster it up, and just thought I needed to in order to match the picture of what I thought things were supposed to look like. This was my firstborn…a delightful, blue-eyed boy with the softest skin and sweetest baby smell. (How I wish I could have bottled that up.)
He was perfect.
And especially after a scare in that pregnancy of a massive in-utero brain cyst; that it had diminished and disappeared and that he was born perfectly healthy and strong… we knew he was a miracle.
I wanted to rejoice but joy was trapped.
So instead I cried. A lot. And hid in the dark. And bristled when he wanted to feed again. Because mastitis. Over and over mastitis and the horrendous sickness that accompanies it.
There. I named it. I could see this physical ailment, and get help for it. I could wrap my mind around a physical issue, and I felt no shame for it – I simply asked for help. And gave up breastfeeding. And it healed.
But what I didn’t know was that there was another unseen “ailment” trying to devour me. It prowled around in my mind under the surface where joy was trapped. It made me think things that weren’t true. Lying words made small things seem enormous and impossible. It chastised me for being a horrible mother who failed at breastfeeding, And it made me rage in anger when my little boy wouldn’t nap and sometimes even made me wish our whole lives would just go away.
I felt such shame. And who could I tell about it? I was brand new to the whole “I’ve given my life to Jesus” thing, and was already thrust into public ministry. I was responsible to care for other people growing in their faith while I was so very brand new to mine. People were always looking to me to be the example or to have the answer, and I kept pretending to have it. And from somewhere came the whispered lie that my faith just wasn’t strong enough. If I was a good enough Christian, I wouldn’t think and feel such unspeakable things.
So I never told anyone about it.
I never asked for help — who would I ask, really? If anyone knew that my body had given birth only to become pregnant with a deep darkness of anger and sadness and doubt, I would be rejected. And I couldn’t handle rejection at this point. So I hid and pretended all was well. And I tried to take rigid control of every area of my life so I wouldn’t have to feel so turbulent. I worked harder, and entertained more. I lost all the baby weight and then some. And I planned out the course of our family growth.
Then the birth of that second, delightful little blue-eyed boy just fueled the fire of depression and the lie that I needed to hide it. Because I was a Christian and I was a leader. It didn’t make sense that I was so very sad when all aspects of my life were really pretty great. I had a loving husband, two beautiful little boys, people to lead in ministry, and all kinds of possibility on the horizon. It didn’t make sense, but it was still there.
And somewhere along the way I heard about sin-sickness. And I started to think that my current reality of tormented thoughts and lava-rage under the surface was punishment for all the sins of my past. Somehow the whispered lying voice in my head convinced me that I brought this on myself. I figured I was experiencing repercussions that I deserved. So I better just try to be a better Christian in order to undo it.
Yes, sin has repercussions…sometimes longterm ones. But I had found victory over those past sins in Jesus; I was forgiven and set free. And I was set free for freedom, not to continually live in the slavery of punishment.
This was not that.
It really would be more of a book than a blog post for me to describe the longtime battle with my thoughts and emotions. And the turmoil of guilt that I felt for so long about them. In my case, it wasn’t that no one offered to help. I didn’t even reach out for it.
I didn’t know that I was battling a mental health issue. Somehow I just thought it was my lot in life. Somehow I didn’t know that postpartum depression was an actual thing I could get help for, and that my strength would be best displayed in my reaching out for help. But I didn’t let anyone know the ferociousness of my internal struggle. Why did I feel so afraid to let anyone in?
I thought it was un-Christian to struggle with depression. And that it made me weak. I thought it disqualified me from the things I felt called to.
In my situation, my whacked out hormones caused the turmoil in my mind and emotions. It wasn’t actually my fault. Whether a mental health issue is caused by hormonal imbalance, trauma, genetics, or another unknown reason, it is never your fault. And to my Christian friends: it doesn’t mean your faith in Jesus isn’t real.
But, hear me: There is a very real battle for your soul. And the enemy will grab hold of your mental health struggle to pull you toward death. You. Must. Fight. with an army of people on your side.
It is not only mental or emotional. It is not only spiritual. It is all.
I wish I had reached out back then. I wish I had sought help. Thankfully, I am here today on the other side of that monster only by the grace of God. And in reality, I only started to be able to walk out of it when I became more transparent about the struggle. When I stopped hiding it and brought it into the light, I started to be able to overcome it.
Opening up about mental health and fighting to pursue wellness may include:
And I’m pretty sure it will always include vulnerability and intentionality. It is a very real monster that needs to be lured out of the cave into the battle arena and fought. Mental health is an issue that we must not leave in the dark. It is not something that cheapens our faith, even though it wants to threaten to overshadow it. When our joy is trapped, we will have to purposely let it loose.
I had a conversation with a sweet friend yesterday who celebrated with me that we have a God who brings life through us even while He brings life to us. Indeed, He called me to let JOY loose in people while I was decidedly joy-less. He doesn’t leave us to wrestle alone, and He doesn’t give up on His purposes for us.
But God does call us to be an active participant in our restoration.
And, by His grace alone, our lives can become an honest reflection of what rescue and redemption really look like in this real and broken world.
Friend, if you are struggling to see the value in your life, you are not alone. If you wrestle moment-by-moment with crushing thoughts, there are people who can help you. If your emotions are out of control, you have advocates who can come alongside and point you in the right direction.
Your life has purpose and meaning. Please reach out and let someone know that you are struggling.
And if you experienced a time when your joy was trapped, but now you have let it loose, we’d love to read your victory story in the comments. It helps us all to know there is something worth fighting for.