How to Stay Present When All You Want to Do is Run and Hide
What does it mean to stay present? Is it always possible? Because sometimes life seems to hit you unprepared. It comes crashing in with surprise and chaos, and yells that you are not in control. And you do what you can to tread water and grasp into the dark for a life preserver, but everyone else around you just lives like normal. Even those who know what you are experiencing and see you drowning still sit in their boats and paddle on. And everything inside you wants to just run away. Or dive down deep and hide.
How to stay present when all you want to do is
run & hide
I write a blog about joy. If you’ve spent any time here, you know that’s not because joy comes naturally to me, necessarily. It’s because I need to cultivate it. I need to work at choosing it. I actually need to remind myself sometimes that joy even exists – it’s real, and it can be mine.
Sidenote: I have a snapshot memory of Phys. Ed in fourth grade. Somehow, the inner voice in me convinced me that I needed to convince other people that I could have fun too. I could be fun like the other kids. Where do those thoughts arise in a fourth grader? Did I already realize I had a tendency to be melancholy? So I jumped higher, threw further, and laughed louder than the others, just so you’d all know I was having fun… (rolls eyes about this now).
Choices
So, if even in the everyday-ness of life I have to make choices to cultivate my joy, what in the name of time am I supposed to do when life gets stupid? Or painful? Or downright traumatic? Paste on a fake smile and push through it? Or just run away and hide?
I’d like to, but no. I need to stay present. To open my eyes to the places where God’s joy can actually be my strength.
Another sidenote: It seems to me as I grow in my faith that many of the cheesy things Christians offer as bandaids in difficult situations are actually… true. Yes, you may literally want to punch someone when they offer you a trite phrase, and it may not actually help at all in the moment. BUT, sometimes, that phrase will echo through your mind again and again and you’ll eventually believe it and lean into it. Phrases like:
- God will bring beauty out of these ashes…
- Remember, you never walk alone…
- Where you are weak, God is very strong…
Because those are all true. But when you are in the midst of a crisis, they don’t necessarily seem to be true immediately. When your emotions are running high, and doubt is threatening to swallow you whole, they are honestly the last thing you want to hear. (End sidenote.)
Stay Present
Our family has been facing very difficult things for the past six months. That’s why this blog has gotten quiet. I didn’t have the capacity to walk through what we were walking through, continue my role as a Worship Pastor, and somehow dig deep enough to write here. So I just got quiet. Week after week, quiet. Because it was taking every last ounce of energy not to run and hide from what we were facing. It took all I had to stay present. Forgive people for their unhelpful, trite answers, and really stay present.
Most of our difficulty has been wrapped up with some of our children. A harmful relationship initiated areas of pain and fear in one, and tried to convince us all of hopelessness. A season of darkness led us to dig deep for truth and at one point search the streets for a runaway. It culminated in a courtroom, where we had to face someone who had caused great pain.
A challenging decision by another has put us on a path of learning and grace like we haven’t known before. It has caused us to pray differently while grieving, to love differently while pursuing truth, and to ask the Lord how we are to walk as Christ did. And He, of course, has been faithful. But this is painful, stretching ground.
My children mean the world to me and I love them fiercely. And though you may wish I would give more details, I will not infringe on their privacy in this forum. I appreciate your care for their hearts, their wounds, and their growing confidence.
Trauma Unearths Stuff
Trauma reveals weaknesses and strengths. It highlights defaults, which aren’t always pretty. In fact, I’ve had numerous conversations with trauma victims where they reflected, “I always thought that if I faced [traumatic circumstance] I’d respond by [expected response].” But very often, our responses surprise us. Trauma can also teach what fears we have, whether realistic or otherwise. And it unearths our most valuable confidantes, prayer warriors, and friendships. We especially want to know which ones will help us stay present.
Our double-dose of grief came wrapped up in shock and disbelief. And it bid us with the temptation to despair, and even to run away from it all. We had to fight to stay present and vulnerable when it would have been easier to hide. But there are things I learned in six months of darkness that may help you stay present too, should you face unsuspecting grief in your life that tempts you to turn inward.
This Life is Worth Living
Key Revelation: This life is, in fact, worth living. God has gifted us with the incomparable opportunity to live a vibrant life in the here and now. But a vibrant life doesn’t necessarily mean a trouble-free one. You may have read before that “suffering leads to perseverance, perseverance to character, and character to hope which will never put us to shame.” (Romans 5:3-5a). Vibrancy looks different under different circumstances. But a vibrant life is ours to live in every single one. So what do I mean when I say “living”, and relate that to walking through difficulty? What does it mean to “live”, as opposed to running away to hide?
“Living” means being honest about struggle and asking for help
To be alive is to make movement, to take steps, to press in. It is the opposite of rolling over to die – to allow defeat, to take what comes, to come to a standstill. Every time we face difficulty head-on, and bravely make movement, take steps, and press in, we fight for life. We subversively oppose paralysis by being open and asking others for help Click To Tweet. Of course, this necessitates good discernment to know who can best help us. But when we have spent time building strong relationships, God will quickly reveal to us those who can, and will, help.
It is very vulnerable to ask for help. For us, with the kinds of issues we were facing with our kids, our openness could only be with people of impeccable integrity, empathetic hearts, and an active faith. We needed prayer support like at no other time in our lives. We were in need of people who would not reject our children, but who would lean in and love them with us. These situations made us desperate for people who would recognize these pivotal moments in our kids’ lives were opportunities for incredible victory, and not pits of despair. We prayed, God revealed, we opened up, and we received help, counsel, and shoulders to cry on. We gleaned wisdom, and found a few champions who would hold us up to be brave.
Opening up to people and being vulnerable about our needs breathed energy into us and propelled us forward. It helped us lean into life when death and defeat were beckoning. It helped us to stay present, even in the most distasteful of moments.
“Living” also means being gracious with the truth & open to explore the unknown
Much of our last 6 months has been the painful deconstruction of lies and the unearthing of truth. Not only that, though, but it has been the often uncomfortable re-examination of what Scripture says about certain things. It has caused us to honestly uncover whether we believe what we do simply because we were taught to, or because it is what we truly see Scripture to say. This has formed us. It has made us become more comfortable moving in to unfamiliar territory. And is has also solidified our faith.
There was a point in our trauma and grief where we were incredibly discouraged by lies. It felt as though we couldn’t even lift our heads; that we were being swallowed up, and losing to deceit. But in a moment of pure grace from our Good Father, my husband was reminded that when things were hidden in darkness, we were on losing ground. But as soon as lies were revealed, as soon as things moved out of the dark and into the light, we won the victory. Truth reigns and darkness is defeated. This moment of revelation and grace emboldened us to claim triumph, even when we could still not see the “win” in real life. We began to walk as victors.
As we bravely claimed victory with one, we were also graced with confidence to pursue unseen victory with the other. And this truly is living grace. Because it has taken us places we’ve really never been. It’s caused us to question things we’ve not questioned before. It’s made us realize biases we didn’t know we had. And it’s given us incomparable peace to speak truth even in very difficult conversations. This is living. This is how we stay present.
“Living” means allowing every part of your life to reflect and glorify Jesus
The Apostle Paul wrote that “whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” (1 Cor. 10:31b) My husband often says that we don’t get to choose our circumstances, but we do have a choice how we will walk through them. We have reminded ourselves and one another, as well as our children and our friends that we have the opportunity to honor and reflect Christ with our responses. We could curse Him and die, as Job’s wife encouraged him to do, or we can painstakingly pursue Him, honoring Him in our thoughts, words, and actions. Then we will truly “live.”
Oh how I want to live and leave a legacy of honor. No matter the hardship, trauma, or disappointment, I want to be the kind of person that leans into life. I want to stay present even when all I really want to do is run and hide. This is what it means to let joy loose. I hope this post helps you pursue the same.
Elizabeth Joy
